Joke Central - Wedding and Marriage Jokes

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Bride in White

LITTLE GIRL: "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

MOMMY: "White is the color of joy, and today is the most joyful day of her life."

LITTLE GIRL: "Then why is the groom wearing black?"

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Marriage Counseling

After 20 years of marriage a husband and wife go to counseling. When asked what the problem is, the wife breaks into a passionate tirade of every problem they've ever had.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist gets up, walks over to the wife, makes her stand up and kisses her very hard. The woman shuts up and quietly sits down.

The therapist says to the husband, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

After a moment the husband replies, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish."

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Wedding Night

The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.

The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two. The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course. The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.

The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the following note: DEAR FRIENDS, WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS BEING SAWED. THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK. BUT I SWEAR, I'M GOING TO KILL WHOEVER PUT NOVOCAIN IN THE K-Y JELLY!"

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Romance vs Reality

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"

The husband, typically nonromantic, replied, "I am on the commode. Please advise!"

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Just Kidding

After 10 years of marriage, a wife asked her husband to describe how good a wife she had been, and to give her a rating, so she could reflect on her performance.

He put down the newspaper he had been reading, sighed then looked up at her for a while and said, "You're an A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks, "What does that mean?"

He said, "Youre Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot."

She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely. What about I, J, K.?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

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Why am I Divorced?

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought, "Well, that's marriage for you. The kids will remember."

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfasts and didn't say a word, so when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my handsome Boss Rick, said, "Good Morning, lady, and by the way, Happy Birthday!"

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Rick said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"

He said, "Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner."

After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, "If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."

"Ok." I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my husband my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there... On the couch... Naked.

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Several Short Smilers

An Airline introduced a special package for Business men. Buy your ticket and get your wife's ticket free.

After great success, the company sent letters to all the wives asking how the trip was. All of them gave the same reply, "What trip?"

Woman buys a new Sim Card. Puts it in her phone and decides to surprise her husband who is seated on the couch in the Living room.

She goes into the kitchen and calls her husband with the new number, "Hello Darling."

The husband responds in a low tone, "Let me call you back later Honey, the stupid woman is in the kitchen."

Cool message by a wife

Dear Mother-in-law, "Don't teach me how to handle my children, I'm living with one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement."

Husband was throwing knives at his wife's picture. All were missing the target!

Suddenly he received s call from her and she says, "Hi, what are you doing?"

His honest reply, "MISSING YOU."

A woman asks her doctor, "My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?"

The doctor responds, "Give him an opportunity to speak when he is awake."

Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt, tsunamis to devastate, hurricanes to swirl around & no one teaches a man how to choose a wife.

NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN.

A doctor says, "Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills."

The woman asks, "When should I give them to him?"

The Doctor responds, "They are for you!"

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In the Dark

There was this couple who had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic.

"You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly, "I'll explain the toy if you explain the kids."

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