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*************************************************************** The Rooster A Farmer had a dilemma. His roosters had all died off and his henhouse needed roosters for mating. He was certainly in a pickle and couldn't find any in his neck of the woods to buy. His neighbor stopped by to chat and the conversation led to his problem. "I tell ya Joe, I don't know where I'm going to find enough roosters to service all of my chickens." Joe could easily solve that for him, "Tell ya what Ben, I got a rooster that can service every one of your chickens." Ben laughed at his neighbor's bragging and said, "I seriously doubt that Joe, I've got a hundred chickens. It's going to take more than one." Joe re-assured him, "I'm tellin' ya man, this rooster will take on everything ya got." Ben really had his reservations but he wasn't about to call the man a liar. "Ok, let's say you do have a rooster that can service everything I got; what would you be askin' for it?" he asked. "$300.00 and he's yours." Joe replied with pride. "Are you crazy? There ain't no rooster worth no $300!" Ben exclaimed, looking at his neighbor in disbelief. Joe blew him off with a hand, "I'm tellin' ya, he'll take care of everything you got and you know it'd be worth a measly 300 for that!" he retorted. Ben scratched his head and said, "Ok, tell ya what. You bring me that rooster and I'll give ya 300. But if he doesn't service everything I got, I'll be lookin' ya up for my money." "You got a deal neighbor!" Joe replied, and headed off in total confidence to bring him that rooster. Well, Ben got his rooster and stood outside the henhouse with him. He commenced to give that fowl a pep talk, "Alright, there's a hundred hen in there. Take your time, go easy, and don't overdo it," he coached, "and you should have them all taken care of in a few days." With that, he opened the cage door and let the rooster in. Ben saw the rooster hit the first hen and get to work. With a satisfied smile, he headed back in for lunch. After he did his dishes, he thought he would go out and check on the rooster's progress. None of the hens were in the yard so they had to be in the henhouse. He looked in and found no rooster but all of the hens were nesting. That was a good sign and his mind eased a little. Stepping back out of the cage, he looked down the road and thought he saw his rooster. Sure enough, he was in the bushes servicing the pheasants! "What the... I told you to take it easy!" he yelled, running towards the action, "You're gonna kill yourself and I ain't goin' to own you one day!" he chastised, trying to pry the rooster away from a wildly flapping pheasant. He finally shooed the feathered rape victim off and the rooster headed behind the house. Ben shook his head and set to work on his farm until dinner time. He passed the pond on the way to the house and heard a commotion. There was the rooster on the bank servicing the ducks there. "God! He dang sure is goin' to kill himself!" he thought and headed inside for supper, giving up on talking any sense into him. After supper, he checked on the rooster one more time. His neighbor said the rooster would service everything he had and it was sure looking true to him. The rooster was still at the pond but this time, he was servicing the geese there. He was one worried farmer over one horny rooster, just knowing that $300 bird was going to have a heart attack or something. He went to bed that night with a weary mind and woke up the next morning and made breakfast. He sat at the table and sipped on his coffee, thinking about his neighbors words. His eyes wandered out the window and thought he saw his rooster keeled over in the crop field. Fearing the worst, he headed outside to get a better look. The closer he got, the worse it looked. Sure enough, his rooster was lying with his feet pointing in the air and his tongue hanging out of the side of his beak. Even worse, the buzzards were circling above him. "Gall dang it all! I warned ya! I warned ya! Dag nab it!" Ben yelled, throwing his hat to the ground. The rooster opened one eye to look at him and whispered, "Shhhhh! Them buzzards are gettin' closer!" *************************************************************** Vaseline A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?" She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time." "If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?" "We use it for sex," she said. The researcher was a little taken aback. "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?" The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out." *************************************************************** The Bet A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma." *************************************************************** The Farmer and the Cow A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?" The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer. "Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket." "Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad." "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied. "So what happened then?" the man asked. The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left." "And then?" "Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket." The man laughed and said, "Again?" The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "So, what did you do then?" the man asked. "I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right." "And then?" "Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail." "Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head. "So, what did you do?" the man asked. "Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in... Some things you just can't explain." *************************************************************** Here After Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road. "I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull the old 'out of gas' routine." "No," said Fred, "I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine." "The 'here after' routine... what's that?" she wanted to know. "If you're not here after what I'm here after, then you'll be here after I'm gone!" he replies. *************************************************************** The Queen's Breasts Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the Kings chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queens bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queens large and magnificent breasts. The Queens itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldnt have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost. The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the Kings underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick. The moral of the story, pay your bloody bills!!! *************************************************************** Mars 2222 The year is 2222 and after accumulating enough frequent flier miles, Mike and Maureen land on Mars. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it looks like a long pencil, it's still pretty narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fall into bed and make mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was damn good. How about you?" "It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears." *************************************************************** The Neighbor A woman phoned her male neighbor and said, "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." To which the man replied, "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday." *************************************************************** The Tomatoes A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much." Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best. One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?" "No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
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