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*************************************************************** Audit Bet The IRS decides to audit a gambler, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when the gambler showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable." "I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," said the man. "How about a demonstration?" The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead." The man says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye." The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet." The man removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. The man says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye." Now the auditor can tell the man is not blind, so he takes the bet. The man removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with the man's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. "Want to go double or nothing?" The man asks "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between." The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there is no way the man could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. The man stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the waste-basket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But the man's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. "Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when he told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!" *************************************************************** Dressing for an Audit A man, called to testify at the IRS asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied. Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie." Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. "Wear a heavy, long, flannel night-gown that goes right up to your neck." But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. "Wear your most sexy underwear." The man protested, "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?" The Rabbi replied, "No matter what you wear my son, you're going to get screwed."
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