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Idle Thoughts

I had amnesia once -- or twice

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy

If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home, and when he grows up he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

Is it me -- or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

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Global Facts About Sex

FACT: 79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now!

FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.

FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

FACT: One elderly person is reading this page right now.

You hang in there now..... Smile

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Punography

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

PMS jokes aren't funny. Period.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

How do you make Holy water? Boil the Hell out of it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met Herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

They told me I had type A blood, But it was a Type O.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

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Things to Ponder

Can you cry under water?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

What did cured ham actually have?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

Wouldn't it be nice if, whenever we messed up our life, we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

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More things to Ponder

At the Scottish wedding reception the DJ yelled, "Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore.

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he's achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, whilst he was on drugs.

When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frig'n bike.

A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn't take my TV, just the remote.

Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick bastard!!

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".

Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes".

Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "Do you know who the father is?"

She replied, "For cryin' out loud! If you ate a can of beans, would you know which one made you fart?"

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Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Real Estate Agent When You Go To Settlement On Your New Home

1. "I think unexplained crop circles add a unique flair to any home's garden."

2. "Actually, it's only the rear portion of the yard that overlaps the ancient Indian burial ground."

3. "Yes, the last owner did donate the house to the Hell's Angels, but I'm told that the judge has ordered them not to come within 50 feet of it."

4. "One bleeding toilet doesn't necessarily mean it's haunted."

5. "Your neighbour has assured me that, technically, they're not 'killer' bees."

6. "Even if there was a full-scale mudslide, it's unlikely that it would reach as far back as your property."

7. "It's quite common for roaches to grow that big even when not in the presence of radioactivity."

8. "Did you know that the band Grave Raper holds their practice sessions right next door?"

9. "It's true that they died in the house, but the prosecutor was never actually able to prove it was murder."

10. "You can barely hear the sheet metal factory at night."

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You Might be a Redneck if...

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

15. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

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